Hey Ant your depression is showin!

I had a conversation with a friend tonight and she asked me how I was doing? I replied back the typical living the dream blah blah blah. Normally this makes people chuckle and move on. She did not accept that answer. She said, "No, I don't think so!" I was taken aback. I said, "What do you mean?" She went onto explain how some days she see that I am really down and other days I am on fire. She said I am not living a balance life and she could tell. That if I wanted to have longevity in the fight then I needed to do more self care. I needed to put myself first before all the causes. I need to do more for myself than just hit the next protest. She expressed the point of me needing to feel outside of myself to get those feelings out. The ones that confine me the negative narrative that creeps in at time. Shit is rough sometimes. I have to say this whole conversation really made me think. I had a mix day. It was cold af. I saw my grandfather and he's losing more hair to chemo. I attended a radio show with a spoken word collective group and finally home and made beyond burgers for my little cousin and me. I am trying to find balance again. I really can get lost in doing everything and that is when I feel the worse. I am glad I had this conversation tonight. It spurred me to write this post so I can get my thoughts out so I do not leave them rumbling around in my head.

Growth

I have experience some unprecedented growth over the last year. My friend summed it up as feeling  capable. I have to agree. I think there was some self erected walls and they were sometimes by force taken down. Earlier this year I felt some fire kindling inside of me and as per usual it went away not completely but away. While cleaning I found something a wrote a while ago during one of our conversations. I always struggle with this concept of feeling better and bigger than I ever myself could feel. I normally would bury this feeling and move on. I would ignore whatever nagging pain or stress it would cause me and suffocate it until it became only whispers until the next fight. This time during this period of growth, I have decided to face these pains head on no matter what the outcome. I feel more equipped and capable of dealing with the nonsense.

The list also included traits on how I would describe how I feel the world sees me and how I see myself. Anthonyness is .... the parenthesis contain the "why"
protector, (Too much wrong in the world)
speaker, (Loves giving a good speech)
rebel, (Justice fighter)
learner, (Woke)
catalyst for change, (Personality)
earnest, (Integrity)
sad, (Hard path)
deep pain, (Hard path)
wise, thoughtful (Try to respond with emotion and heart)
Not the mask but the truth underneath.  (Dark comedian shell is protective and lets nothing in)

Stepping up the plate is hard. Dealing with all the things are hard but it must be done. The latest meme that has struck a chord with me is "I came to change lives!" If I was put on this planet to struggle and to fight and to become better then I must deal with the ugly as well as the good. I am tired but I am not dead yet and as Brendan so eloquently yells in his rocky speech that when we are beaten and battered there is always a voice that says get up and push on. It's that whisper of the fire that I need to keep stoking in order to hit the next levels that I want.

Mondaiest Monday

Last night I have had an extremely violent dream and it fucked up my morning and who entire outlook on life. The dream was about someone who was attacking me or trying to harm me and I could not kill him. I could not stop him. No matter what the person kept on coming. The person was invincible and immortal. This is where is gets a little hazy but I think my brother tried to stop him and ended up dying in the process. This messed me up pretty bad.  I don’t know if it was because of Devin. I don’t know if it was because I couldn’t stop him. I immediately tried to make sense of this. I tried to make sense of my dream and couldn’t. There was no logical explanation for me having this dark ass dream. The only analogy I could use was that in this dream the person I could not stop was me. It was a physical manifestation of my desires to not change or desires in general. I don’t know if that makes any sense or just like usual, I am being overanalytical and too introspective. Then of course I have some special people in my life that are willing to call me out on my shit and piss me off in the right way to motivate me to move me to say let’s get it done. The phrase that she likes to use is that, “THE CITY NEEDS A HERO!” Its trueeee if not NOW when! WHEN! Be the miracle! 

You have to be courageous enough to continuously do the work that needs to be done. Fuck the doubt, fuck the fear, fuck the negative narrative. Live the purpose driven life! 

#sayhername

The Sandra Bland documentary was definitely the perfect thing to watch tonight. I have been plagued by this question of How do I make my fire sustainable? Sabre suggested affirmations and speaking things into existence to power the the fire. Another friend suggested by doing the next right thing like AA says. This is where I might go off the rails a bit but please give me a chance. Battles are won because of the people who fought them. That sounds completely like of course Anthony of course. I think the common trope or hope is that we have some great leader that rises and galvanizes the troops towards victory. Waiting for Superman, the culture seems to be waiting for Malcolm. We are living in the now. I say that to mean, we all have thoughts of what we would have done if we were around during slavery or lived during the Nazi era but we are literally living with Nazis. We are living through a systematic genocide of black and brown people under the guise of authority. The black holocaust is happening now. Black bodies hit these streets and some are appalled, some chose to ignore, I however always feel empowered. I always feel hope. I feel like I stand on their shoulders to push up and forward. That is why I continue to pour my energy into various political endeavors. Time wanes on and that fire and passion never fully subsides but diminishes a bit. It hurts me because the fact is I truly want to live my life on a hundit. The thing I tell myself is if not now then when. You don't have to be a Malcolm or a Martin to embodied their spirit. You just have to be courageous enough to continuously do the work that needs to be done. You might not get a holiday or a documentary but you will help us, the collective us, march on towards that perpetual goal of absolute freedom. The fire comes from learning about people like Sandra Bland. The fire comes from organizing small groups. The fire comes by living with a god damn sense of purpose. Her story is magnified greater because of who she was as a person. She was about that life. I never met her but I instantly have a profound and deep love for her. I need to tap into the pools of that fight energy everyday not only from her but from others. I feel it in my bones and I feel in my spirit. To borrow the phrase from Rick Warren but I am so fucking ready to live this purpose driven life. 

Heart Smiles

Friendships are a very very powerful thing. They have gotten me through the toughest times in my life. They have help me overcome tremendous obstacles. The older I have gotten the more I appreciate the intangible value of friendship. Recently, I have gotten extremely close to one of my friends and it was a great reminder of the love that I have in my life and the love I am able to give in my life. Intimate love and the love displayed in friendship sometimes blur and is very different but powerful nonetheless. The current friendship has inspired me to start moving myself to work on personal goals and ask myself each and every day, “What have I done to move closer to accomplishing my goals!” I know it is kind of cliché but honestly, it made me think of all the bullshit that I do each day to further someone else’s goals or dreams or hinder my growth by wasting my time in nonsense. I have realized that I have become very thoughtful in my decision-making process and as I often like to say YOLO, that that lifestyle is far from realistic in your 30’s versus your 20’s. Pretty much a nice way of saying I am washed! I think the affinity that I have for this current individual is that she simply lives out her life with intention.  Do not get me wrong several of my friends do but it’s different. I love my network. I think I often take them for granted but I have been receiving some gentle reminders that my crew is pretty dope. I could go on but I feel like that’s a great way to end this post.

Its been a while....

Well it has been about three years since the last time I typed up an entry. In the last three years I have some crazy things happen in my life. 2018 was a specifically tough year for me filled with tons of changes.
 The biggest thing to happen to me in 18 was running for city council in Newark. It was one of the proudest hardest things that I have ever done. I am extremely proud of the campaign that we ran and despite what I may say I have no regrets about it. It was something that finally gave me that old spark of life again. It felt good to be working and making decisions in my best interest. It felt like an old part of me woke up again. I missed that part and I thought it was long gone. I thought there was no getting it back. I had arrived professionally and personally. I forgot what that fire tasted like and I wanted more. I will say I was sad with the results of the elections. I just felt like the numbers did not reflect the work that was put in.
 The 2nd big event of 18 would be getting fired from Modell's Sporting Goods. I was with the company for 6 years and achieved a great deal of personal and professional success. I was let go partly for arrogance and partly for where the company was headed. It was tough to find a job and figure out what I wanted to do. The three months that followed were filled with a lot of lows and self doubt and hits to my self esteem. It was a battle to come out of that depression. I did not think I had it in me. I relied a lot on my friends to help me through the tough times and be there for me and without hesitation they all came through. I did not want to go back to retail but it seemed like that was all I was destined for. It was at this time where I literally almost lost all hope that my friend presented me with an opportunity.
I admit I was hesitant and fearful at first. I did not think I could do the job and survive in this completely different environment than what I was used to. I started the new job and excelled at it very quickly. It help restore some of that lost swagger. It help me realize a little more that I am what people think of me. It's just a job not a career but I can definitely use this as a stepping stone to something greater. I am a bit tired right now but I do miss typing out my thoughts. I have been hanging out with a special friend recently and the conversations we have help me develop my mental strength and help to challenge my perspectives....to think I could still learn....all of that is to say that she encouraged me to start getting it out again and thus I have. 

Open Mic Night

I went to an open mic night recently and I wanted to perform. I decided to look up some old stuff and edit it up a bit before I go and perform next week. I haven't really written anything since I was in high school. I gotta be honest it feels real good. I don't know how good it is or even if it is good but I figured who cares it's all subjective anyway. Who knows if I have the courage to keep doing this I might finally start doing stand up comedy.

Original

I look into your soul to see the vastness Expecting to see the light but what sends a fright down my spine is the blackness the hatred and corrosiveness that intertwine together to enwrap your soul into a never- ending pool of despair and depression Your outer shell is like the black pearl at the bottom of the sea beautiful on the out side and that’s it but like glass I can see through it So young with so much pain perplexes the most complicated of minds 3 years of being the mask in front of the man instead of the man behind the mask Like an actor in a play portraying the comedian while fighting the beasts within which are an embodiment of my essence With a plethora of thoughts racing through my min stop by one question who am I The Dark Comedian

Edited

I look into your soul expecting to see the vastness of hope and courage

Instead I am met with the blackness the hatred the corrosiveness that intertwine together to enwrap your soul into a never- ending pool of despair and depression

Your outer shell is like a black pearl, beautiful on the outside and that’s it

like glass I can see through it

So young with so much pain perplexes the most complicated of minds

3 years of being the mask in front of the man instead of the man behind the mask

Like an actor portraying the comedian while fighting the beasts within

Anxiety is welcome as an old friend. Mind constantly in motion. Forever fighting. So much confusion. So much doubt. So much pain.

A plethora of thoughts racing through me

stop by one question what am I

The Dark Comedian